Thursday, June 9, 2011
More than "1" victim: Family member accused of sexual abuse twelve years...
More than "1" victim: Family member accused of sexual abuse twelve years...: "I am writing this because I have been on a roller coaster of emotions for two weeks now. I was surprised to answer my door two weeks ago an..."
Family member accused of sexual abuse twelve years after it was supposed to have happened...
I am writing this because I have been on a roller coaster of emotions for two weeks now. I was surprised to answer my door two weeks ago and see two detectives on the other side. My first thought was something tragic had happened to someone close to me. Imagine my shock when I was informed that a close relative of mine has been accused of inappropriate contact with a child, which supposedly happened around twelve years ago.
Because this is such a close person in my life my children have always been around this person. They have spent the night many times and loved to go there. I would have never thought this person would be capable of what they are being accused of.
I have and always will put my kid's first. They are my world. My first concern wasn't my family member it was my children. I think that's all I could say for the first five minutes was "Oh my God MY kids". The first two days I think I spent in shock and worrying about my children not only that something could have happened to them but how this will also affect the rest of their lives as well.
I ask the detectives right away if they would talk with my kids and ask them questions, even though I have always been the kind of mother that has talked to my children about good touch/bad touch and have asked the appropriate questions and always felt like I have done it in the right way.
The detective agreed to talk to my oldest child because of the age and they returned that afternoon to talk with him. I did not feel that anything had happened to my oldest child, however I wanted to make sure that there was nothing that came out that I wasn't aware of. After one of the detectives talked with him for about thirty minutes he came to me and told me that my son was intelligent and spoke openly and that he felt like nothing had ever happened to him. This gave me some relief even though in my heart call it "mothers intuition" I already knew he was okay.
This story gets worse because the accuser (victim) is the daughter of my first husband (who is also my oldest child's father, which makes this "victim" my oldest child's sister. This was absolutely devastating to my oldest child to hear that this very close relative that is so loved by my children was/is being accused of such a crime. I knew it would be worse because my oldest child wasn't aware at that point who was making the allegations. It was the next day when the father chose to talk to him about his sister, whom by the way didn't want to be present during the initial conversation but ended up showing up to pick up some clothes. This made it even more emotional for my son, whom I kept referring to as my oldest child because I was hoping to keep it more discreet in case someone saw this and related the case.
He was so mad at our family member at that point that it was pure anger. To make things worse the "victim" who is now an adult( well let's say still a teen but considered an adult at 18) hasn't even told her dad what the allegations are. She said she wasn't ready to tell him. So of course when my son has those questions no one can answer them and that is shocking to him that his sister didn't tell their dad. My son has started to ask questions and think about things rationally on both sides. My family completely supports my family member as expected, however we have to stay neutral because of who is involved.
To make matters even worse after going through all the emotions that I think I could have possibly went through from....Anger, Hurt, Shock, Panic, Guilt, Feeling like I actually had a death in the family, to so many other emotions that I didn't even know existed.....I also had requested that a professional talk with my two youngest children which are girls. They told me about a center that dealt with this and I told them to set it up. Eventually I had to call myself and set it up and then give the center the detectives name and number to call and make sure that the time and date worked with his schedule. This made me feel as if he just didn't care about what I was going through. I wanted this interview with my girls done as soon as possible so that I could get that thought out of my head and be completely emotionally here for them.
I felt like I was a victim as well as everyone in my entire family who had been questioned by this point and none of us have even been touched. It is a horrible feeling and after finally a week later taking my girls in for what became a four hour event. I learned again what I already suspected they were not touched or effected by this family member that they loved so much. He was always like a grandfather to them because he was more of a father figure to me growing up. My girls were video taped and I was lied to on more than one occasion by the detective.....for one that I could be there in the room with him while they were talked to and he was watching on a monitor and two that even if I wasn't in the room watching with him that he could sit down and go over the videos with me. LIE!!!!!!
Well now I am just angry and hurt again because I feel like our legal system should be people we can trust in. I wasn't accused of anything so I was cooperating anyway that I could and actually thought that they cared about my children and our family. Man I was wrong about that. How can the people we are supposed to be able to trust and the one's that are out for the truth just be able to lie to a parent who is doing the right thing to make sure they are protected and okay? Neither of the things I was assured of and promised happened when they talked to my girls. I felt like when he didn't get any information from my kids that could help his case he had no use for me or them and was very cold and told me that nothing was on the tapes, my kids were not affected and if I wanted to watch them I would have to go to the DA's office to do so. Nothing more or less. I am the parent chose to take them there and that's all he could tell me????? I was pissed and hurt. Well I have decided I don't need to see the tapes because I know what is on them. My kids have always been open with me even my youngest. I know my kids but no one can blame me for wanting to make sure by trained professionals.
I feel like my entire family.....myself, my kids, my aunt's, uncles, cousin's......everyone are victim's in this as well. This will change our lives forever.
Now I am having the day's of questioning.......is this girl telling the truth or making this up for some reason. I will never call her a liar because I wasn't there, however how is she going on now living it up with her friends, getting a new boyfriend tanning, going to the lake, continually posting on face book , movies, out to eat with friends always on the go and now getting the biggest birthday bash of all time thrown for her by her dad. She acts as if nothing in her life has changed......and my entire family has been physically ill and living in a complete hell. I would just think that there would be a point after just coming out with this that she would need to cry and lean on her family and just have a hard time for a bit. Not just completely act happy about it. She has already told people that she works with and that seems odd since it took so long for her to come forward with this and she claims to be so embarrassed.????? I am so confused. More thoughts I had.............
Several months ago my ex's wife now told me that her daughter, which would be my ex's step-daughter as well as the "victim" I speak of (his own biological daughter) felt like my son was and is treated better by his dad then they are. I have to wonder if this is somehow a jealousy or issue of wanting more attention from her daddy. She is an adult and I only pray that if it isn't true that she realizes what damage she caused and that it is illegal for her to claim such things. For this reason I have to stay in a neutral position which my family doesn't understand but as I said before my kid's come first.
My entire point of this post is not to take away from any victim of SEXUAL ABUSE, however I do feel like that the entire family on both sides of these unfortunate situations are victims in a way. I only wish that there was more information out there or more people like myself could come forward with their stories or to offer each other support. The next few days, weeks, months and maybe years will be a nightmare for all of us and we all deserve some respect and should be able to vent how we are feeling without being judged.
I am just in question mode now and will probably never get the answers. There are just a lot of things that don't add up with her story even the time frame. Her dad and I were already living apart then and she would have not been around my family anymore. Oh one more thing her mother claimed that she was sexually molested by her step-father when she was a child and didn't come forward until she was about 19 or 20. She never pressed charges. She also continued to take this 'victim' her daughter around this man for years until he passed away a couple of years ago. I am sorry but if I was molested there is no way I would allow my child to be alone with the person that I accused of molesting me. And one more thing.....her now step-mother as well was supposed to have been sexually molested as a child. It just seems to me that this story seems more like attention.....and jealousy about the relationship of my son with his dad and this other close relative that she is accusing.
If he is guilty he deserves what he gets, however if he isn't than he deserves to have his name back and live his life, however that will never happen. He hasn't been charged with anything yet, and even if he isn't the damage is already done to all of us......FOREVER!!!!!!!
There is always more than ONE victim when something like this is alleged.........
Any comments of feedback would be appreciated.
Because this is such a close person in my life my children have always been around this person. They have spent the night many times and loved to go there. I would have never thought this person would be capable of what they are being accused of.
I have and always will put my kid's first. They are my world. My first concern wasn't my family member it was my children. I think that's all I could say for the first five minutes was "Oh my God MY kids". The first two days I think I spent in shock and worrying about my children not only that something could have happened to them but how this will also affect the rest of their lives as well.
I ask the detectives right away if they would talk with my kids and ask them questions, even though I have always been the kind of mother that has talked to my children about good touch/bad touch and have asked the appropriate questions and always felt like I have done it in the right way.
The detective agreed to talk to my oldest child because of the age and they returned that afternoon to talk with him. I did not feel that anything had happened to my oldest child, however I wanted to make sure that there was nothing that came out that I wasn't aware of. After one of the detectives talked with him for about thirty minutes he came to me and told me that my son was intelligent and spoke openly and that he felt like nothing had ever happened to him. This gave me some relief even though in my heart call it "mothers intuition" I already knew he was okay.
This story gets worse because the accuser (victim) is the daughter of my first husband (who is also my oldest child's father, which makes this "victim" my oldest child's sister. This was absolutely devastating to my oldest child to hear that this very close relative that is so loved by my children was/is being accused of such a crime. I knew it would be worse because my oldest child wasn't aware at that point who was making the allegations. It was the next day when the father chose to talk to him about his sister, whom by the way didn't want to be present during the initial conversation but ended up showing up to pick up some clothes. This made it even more emotional for my son, whom I kept referring to as my oldest child because I was hoping to keep it more discreet in case someone saw this and related the case.
He was so mad at our family member at that point that it was pure anger. To make things worse the "victim" who is now an adult( well let's say still a teen but considered an adult at 18) hasn't even told her dad what the allegations are. She said she wasn't ready to tell him. So of course when my son has those questions no one can answer them and that is shocking to him that his sister didn't tell their dad. My son has started to ask questions and think about things rationally on both sides. My family completely supports my family member as expected, however we have to stay neutral because of who is involved.
To make matters even worse after going through all the emotions that I think I could have possibly went through from....Anger, Hurt, Shock, Panic, Guilt, Feeling like I actually had a death in the family, to so many other emotions that I didn't even know existed.....I also had requested that a professional talk with my two youngest children which are girls. They told me about a center that dealt with this and I told them to set it up. Eventually I had to call myself and set it up and then give the center the detectives name and number to call and make sure that the time and date worked with his schedule. This made me feel as if he just didn't care about what I was going through. I wanted this interview with my girls done as soon as possible so that I could get that thought out of my head and be completely emotionally here for them.
I felt like I was a victim as well as everyone in my entire family who had been questioned by this point and none of us have even been touched. It is a horrible feeling and after finally a week later taking my girls in for what became a four hour event. I learned again what I already suspected they were not touched or effected by this family member that they loved so much. He was always like a grandfather to them because he was more of a father figure to me growing up. My girls were video taped and I was lied to on more than one occasion by the detective.....for one that I could be there in the room with him while they were talked to and he was watching on a monitor and two that even if I wasn't in the room watching with him that he could sit down and go over the videos with me. LIE!!!!!!
Well now I am just angry and hurt again because I feel like our legal system should be people we can trust in. I wasn't accused of anything so I was cooperating anyway that I could and actually thought that they cared about my children and our family. Man I was wrong about that. How can the people we are supposed to be able to trust and the one's that are out for the truth just be able to lie to a parent who is doing the right thing to make sure they are protected and okay? Neither of the things I was assured of and promised happened when they talked to my girls. I felt like when he didn't get any information from my kids that could help his case he had no use for me or them and was very cold and told me that nothing was on the tapes, my kids were not affected and if I wanted to watch them I would have to go to the DA's office to do so. Nothing more or less. I am the parent chose to take them there and that's all he could tell me????? I was pissed and hurt. Well I have decided I don't need to see the tapes because I know what is on them. My kids have always been open with me even my youngest. I know my kids but no one can blame me for wanting to make sure by trained professionals.
I feel like my entire family.....myself, my kids, my aunt's, uncles, cousin's......everyone are victim's in this as well. This will change our lives forever.
Now I am having the day's of questioning.......is this girl telling the truth or making this up for some reason. I will never call her a liar because I wasn't there, however how is she going on now living it up with her friends, getting a new boyfriend tanning, going to the lake, continually posting on face book , movies, out to eat with friends always on the go and now getting the biggest birthday bash of all time thrown for her by her dad. She acts as if nothing in her life has changed......and my entire family has been physically ill and living in a complete hell. I would just think that there would be a point after just coming out with this that she would need to cry and lean on her family and just have a hard time for a bit. Not just completely act happy about it. She has already told people that she works with and that seems odd since it took so long for her to come forward with this and she claims to be so embarrassed.????? I am so confused. More thoughts I had.............
Several months ago my ex's wife now told me that her daughter, which would be my ex's step-daughter as well as the "victim" I speak of (his own biological daughter) felt like my son was and is treated better by his dad then they are. I have to wonder if this is somehow a jealousy or issue of wanting more attention from her daddy. She is an adult and I only pray that if it isn't true that she realizes what damage she caused and that it is illegal for her to claim such things. For this reason I have to stay in a neutral position which my family doesn't understand but as I said before my kid's come first.
My entire point of this post is not to take away from any victim of SEXUAL ABUSE, however I do feel like that the entire family on both sides of these unfortunate situations are victims in a way. I only wish that there was more information out there or more people like myself could come forward with their stories or to offer each other support. The next few days, weeks, months and maybe years will be a nightmare for all of us and we all deserve some respect and should be able to vent how we are feeling without being judged.
I am just in question mode now and will probably never get the answers. There are just a lot of things that don't add up with her story even the time frame. Her dad and I were already living apart then and she would have not been around my family anymore. Oh one more thing her mother claimed that she was sexually molested by her step-father when she was a child and didn't come forward until she was about 19 or 20. She never pressed charges. She also continued to take this 'victim' her daughter around this man for years until he passed away a couple of years ago. I am sorry but if I was molested there is no way I would allow my child to be alone with the person that I accused of molesting me. And one more thing.....her now step-mother as well was supposed to have been sexually molested as a child. It just seems to me that this story seems more like attention.....and jealousy about the relationship of my son with his dad and this other close relative that she is accusing.
If he is guilty he deserves what he gets, however if he isn't than he deserves to have his name back and live his life, however that will never happen. He hasn't been charged with anything yet, and even if he isn't the damage is already done to all of us......FOREVER!!!!!!!
There is always more than ONE victim when something like this is alleged.........
Any comments of feedback would be appreciated.
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